High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights. Eugene Mirman
I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. <span style="margin:15px;...
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Neil Gaiman
Well my music was different in high school; I was singing about love–you know, things I don't care about anymore.
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Lady Gaga
I'm the girl nobody knows until she commits suicide. Then suddenly everyone had a class with her.
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Tom Leveen
The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.
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Tom Bodett
Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
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George Carlin
More Quotes By Eugene Mirman
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you! ' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in...
Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.
Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
